From (E)ngagement to (A)ggression (Self-Control Guide)

The (E → D → C → B → A) Model of Conflict

Every conversation moves through stages. Engagement often leads to Disagreement. To resolve disagreement, we seek Clarity. Failure to get aligned through the seeking and finding of Clarity can lead to Belligerence. Unrepentant belligerence leads to Aggression, and the worst kind of aggression leads to the ultimate death or killing of the relationship, whether that's through divorce, shutting down your company, never talking to that person again, or in some cases, jail, death or murder, all of this could be circumvented with a little good old-fashioned Christian self control.

Galatians 5:22–23
“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law.”

I'd like you to notice how this model counts down, like a bomb (tick, tick, tick) from E (Engagement) to A (Aggression). As these things escalate, you get closer and closer to the explosion that serves to only scar, hurt, or kill your relationship. 💥

In relationships that can't handle C well (that is, Clarity), they tend to do one of two things:

Avoid D (Disagreement), or sometimes E (Engagement) altogether (and the relationship slowly dies).

Or escalate to their own demise (and the relationship is officially killed).

In this article, I hope to encourage you to Engage in good faith and to exercise self control so your relationships can thrive, and so you don't find yourself on the wrong side of the line (B or A).

Your responsibility is simple:

Keep it at "clarity", or exit if you really can't

But lets start at (E) Engagement, and define some terms. We'll keep it brief.

(E) — Engagement

Connection without conflict

You’re talking, sharing, participating. No engagement, no disagreement. No disagreement, no escalation. There's nothing to fix here. Engagement is the initial connection. Sure you can engage in a hostile way, but let's assume that's not what's happening here.

No disagreement → no escalation.

(D) — Disagreement

Normal. Not a problem.

Different views, facts, or conclusions are inevitable. God gave us each our own bodies, and we are different parts of a larger body. We will not always see things the same way. We will not interface with things the same way. We are not the same. That's ok, because a unified people pointing toward the same goals can work together to get there.

Disagreement is expected. Don’t fight it.

✅ Your job at D:

Stay open

Don’t assume intent of others

Don’t rush to conclusions

Be willing to disagree in an amicable manner

Now let's move to clarity.

(C) — Clarity

When we disagree, or think we disagree, the only healthy path forward is...

Clarity. Understanding and alignment.

Ask / answer simply

Clarify intent

Resolve contradictions

If you care about the relationship, you must care about clarity.

When clarity starts to feel impossible

This is the pivot point.

You might feel:

Pressured

Criticized

Interrogated

Misunderstood

Important:

Feeling that way does NOT mean you’re being attacked.

It means:

You are at risk of escalating.

The fork

At this moment, you choose:

✅ Option 1 — Stay in Clarity

Answer simply

Switch to listening

Seek to understand

Ask for a pause respectfully

Say what you’re feeling without attacking

These are all ways to stay in the discussion and seek or get clarity

❌ Option 2 — Slide into belligerence

(B) — Belligerence

Defensive, dismissive escalation

Signs in yourself:

Tone sharpens

You stop trying to understand

You label (“nagging”, “overthinking”, "unloving", "moron", "deadbeat")

You want the conversation to end, but don’t try to do it cleanly

You demand the last word

Belligerence = staying in the conversation after you’ve stopped engaging in good faith.

How to stop belligerence (in yourself)

Do one of these immediately:

✅ Pause clearly

I don’t want to keep talking about this right now.

✅ Name your state

I’m feeling defensive, I don’t think I can do this well right now.

✅ Reduce the scope

Can we come back to this later?

If you really cannot get control of yourself, then disengage politely.

❌ Do not stay and fight while asking to stop. This is just you trying to get the last word, and is not in good faith.

(A) — Aggression

Attack mode

You’ve crossed the line if you:

Insult ❌

Swear at them ❌

Mock ❌

Show contempt ❌

Use sarcasm ❌

Accuse without pausing to hear their defense ❌

At A, the issue is gone. You are attacking the person.

How to stop aggression (in yourself)

Stop speaking ✅

Switch to listening ✅

Ask to pause the conversation ✅

Create space ✅

Not in a way that is convenient for your anger, but in a calm and humble way.

No exceptions.

You cannot repair a conversation while attacking someone.

What comes after A?

If repeated:

Trust erodes

Respect collapses

Distance grows

Eventually:

Separation

Divorce

In extreme cases: harm

It's the death of that relationship, one way or the other.

The core discipline

You don’t control:

how things are said to you

how you interpret them immediately

You do control:

Whether you stay to get alignment through clarity, or escalate.

Final rule

If you no longer care to understand, you must pause.

Not attack. ❌
Not dismiss. ❌
Not "win". ❌

Pause.

Some helpful quotes

First seek to understand, then to be understood.

God gave you two ears and one mouth, so listen twice as much as you speak.

I want to hear from you

What strategies have you successfully employed to manage escalation in your conflicts? Tell me in the comments below